[ The soft slide of her lips on his makes Hei feel ... vertiginous. Like he's on a swing. Like he might have a bad fall. ]
[ Let go of control. A shiver climbs up his spine, distinct as icy fingers spidering up the arch. He's not sure if it's from her words, or the way her hand glides fluidly up and down his erection. Letting go of control or losing it -- it's all the same to Hei. A liability. It inspires the same profound dread as insanity, or helplessness, or ... love. The idea of being some kind of mindless bundle of emotion -- fuck, he couldn't stomach it. The degeneration into something insensate ... and being a slave to it ... ]
I --
[ He has no idea what to say. In many ways, Hei is his control. It's impossible to see through his smokescreens and illusions into the essential him. Someone with restraint like that, they learn brilliant ways to hide it and strategies for getting through life despite it. All his independence and self-absorption, all his steely resolve and focus -- they're not him. They're the bracing that hides the bitter shadow of a person within. ]
[ Licking his dry lips, he buries his mouth against the crook of Korra's neck. Murmurs, without meeting her gaze. ]
Korra. I'm ... all about control. If I didn't have it, I'd never want to be there to see what I'd look like without it. [ It's why he shuts down during emotional scenes. Why he clocks out during and after sex. He glances at her then, to look into her eyes, just the briefest flicker of blue. ] I'm not sure ... I trust you. I don't think you trust me, either. But you need to listen. We're all animals, all of us. We think we're so smart -- masters of our destinies. We lie to ourselves that we have control. But if it doesn't rain, we die of thirst. If it floods, we drown. And when we walk down the street, thinking how in control we are, some idiot with a gun blows us away by accident. We have very little control -- over very little things. [ A beat, before he swallows. ] That's why the control I have matters so much. It's all I've had, sometimes. Without it... I'm just nothing. When I come, I'm nothing. [ Not Nothing as in worthless. Hei knows the exact measure of his worth better than anyone. He means Nothing as just that. Nothingness. A cipher. He's never said it before, not even to Amber or Pai; never really put a finger on the fear. Now that he has, it feels worse. ]
[ Shutting his eyes, he concludes, calm and flat. ] Control isn't existence, though. They're different things. If that's what you want ... [ He is tense, planted in place against her, motionless. ] I'll try, all right? But some things can't be solved in a few minutes.
no subject
[ Let go of control. A shiver climbs up his spine, distinct as icy fingers spidering up the arch. He's not sure if it's from her words, or the way her hand glides fluidly up and down his erection. Letting go of control or losing it -- it's all the same to Hei. A liability. It inspires the same profound dread as insanity, or helplessness, or ... love. The idea of being some kind of mindless bundle of emotion -- fuck, he couldn't stomach it. The degeneration into something insensate ... and being a slave to it ... ]
I --
[ He has no idea what to say. In many ways, Hei is his control. It's impossible to see through his smokescreens and illusions into the essential him. Someone with restraint like that, they learn brilliant ways to hide it and strategies for getting through life despite it. All his independence and self-absorption, all his steely resolve and focus -- they're not him. They're the bracing that hides the bitter shadow of a person within. ]
[ Licking his dry lips, he buries his mouth against the crook of Korra's neck. Murmurs, without meeting her gaze. ]
Korra. I'm ... all about control. If I didn't have it, I'd never want to be there to see what I'd look like without it. [ It's why he shuts down during emotional scenes. Why he clocks out during and after sex. He glances at her then, to look into her eyes, just the briefest flicker of blue. ] I'm not sure ... I trust you. I don't think you trust me, either. But you need to listen. We're all animals, all of us. We think we're so smart -- masters of our destinies. We lie to ourselves that we have control. But if it doesn't rain, we die of thirst. If it floods, we drown. And when we walk down the street, thinking how in control we are, some idiot with a gun blows us away by accident. We have very little control -- over very little things. [ A beat, before he swallows. ] That's why the control I have matters so much. It's all I've had, sometimes. Without it... I'm just nothing. When I come, I'm nothing. [ Not Nothing as in worthless. Hei knows the exact measure of his worth better than anyone. He means Nothing as just that. Nothingness. A cipher. He's never said it before, not even to Amber or Pai; never really put a finger on the fear. Now that he has, it feels worse. ]
[ Shutting his eyes, he concludes, calm and flat. ] Control isn't existence, though. They're different things. If that's what you want ... [ He is tense, planted in place against her, motionless. ] I'll try, all right? But some things can't be solved in a few minutes.