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[She can feel his words grab onto her heart and twist, not so much shredding it to pieces as completely pulverizing it. It hurts so much, she can hardly breathe, much less come up with a rejoinder with any hope of hurting him as badly.]

Guess now I know what you really think of me.

[She turns away, not so he won't see her cry but because she's leaving. She's not going to bother trying to defend herself to him, just to give him the chance to get a few more emotional blows in. If he can honestly say that after everything they've been through together, she doesn't want anything to do with him.]

[ She turns away, and Hei bristles, his hands balling into fists. Even through the haze of rage that makes his vision go dim and red and makes everything boil at the edges, he can see the hurt in her face. It doesn't afford him an ounce of satisfaction. He didn't launch into that awful invective to bruise her. He did it to try and understand what the hell she actually thinks of him. If she thinks of him at all. A detached part of him whispers that even as he's airing these secrets, locked away for so long they've festered, he's still being his usual manipulative self. In the pretense of laying himself bare -- Was it really pretense? Is there nothing honest and true about me? -- it's her defenses he's stripped. Her psyche he's getting a glimpse into. ]

[ Manipulation or not, the discovery threatens to break through his now pointless veneer of calmness, and he brings his hands together to stop them from trembling. He can't quite do the same with his voice, though. ]

That's not what I think of you. [ In a different voice, almost a whisper. ] But you don't give me a chance to see it differently. It's always fighting or fucking. I feel like something you work yourself off on. Because I don't break like the other toys would. Because that's all I'll be good for. [ He looks away from Korra, but there's no hiding it now and he wishes they could just go back and that he could've just not said all those things. But there's no way to do that. ]

[You don't give me a chance to see it differently. The mind-boggling unfairness of that remark drags her back to his cell.]

I don't give you a chance? I have given you nothing BUT chances! You're the one who pretends he doesn't know me in public. You're the one who doesn't talk about his life! You completely freak out at me when I try! I'm just trying to follow your stupid rules.

[Coming to where she works and not even saying hi to her. Getting weird when she gave him that one little kiss in public. Not even mentioning that he had a sister until she stumbled upon him and Xing's giant pile of clothes. Not talking to her for a month after she got out of the hospital. Always getting her gifts that seem to be more about his interests than hers. He thinks he's a dirty secret? She's pretty sure that she's just his favorite sex doll.]

[ Red dots flash in Hei's line of sight. Part of him admits everything she's angry about is valid. But his reasons aren't as simple or clear-cut as Korra thinks. Her life hasn't always been peaches and cream. But navigating this affair is still easier for her. She has no past gnawing at her with fangs of loss and bitterness. She doesn't know what it's like to lose every single person who meant anything to her. Not once, but twice. How surreal it'd be, to share that knowledge with someone like her. Looking into those eyes that know nothing about him -- not the iceberg, only the tip that glitters coldly in the sun. Nothing that she ought to know about him, must know, will know soon. That he's cursed. That he's a walking disaster of the head vs the heart. ]

[ Maybe it’s for the best, he thinks bitterly. This is your way out, your reason. You always knew you couldn't last with her. Now you've given her the proof to walk away. Just tell her to fuck off and you'll both be free. ]

[ He nearly opens his mouth to say it. But another voice, cold yet lilting like Amber's, says, Good. Keep living that way, you coward. Don't ever change your tactics. It'll all work just fine for you ... right up until the day you die from it. ]

[ Flat words form on the lips he can't feel, out of breath he can't spare. ]

What else would you do, if you live in a world where everyone important to you dies -- just because they're connected to you? Not once, but over and over. Even if, somehow, you escaped to a different environment -- would it be easy for you, to flaunt the latest person you care about in public? Would you talk about your life -- when it's been nothing but bloodshed and secrets? Would you be comfortable if someone kept prodding for details, as if sharing them could fix you?

[ An exhale, almost amused, but darker. His gaze is calm; some things stay the same. Hei can't shed tears over things that are in the past. But he can never forget them, either. ]

Back home, almost everyone who mattered to me is gone. My sister. My lover. My teammates. [ All he has left is Yin. But sometimes, watching her, he fights a chilly premonition that she'll be taken hostage by something he can never combat. ] If I make stupid rules for you, it's not because I don't care. But I'm sick of being screwed over and left behind, the moment I let my guard down.

[It's a lot to take in. He's never revealed this much before, and she's struggling to keep up. It's too fast, she doesn't have time to process the details. She's left with only an impression of pain, greater than she could possibly imagine. It humbles her.

There's no anger left in her voice, only gentle matter-of-fact.]

You can't blame me for following your rules. It's not my fault if they're not making you happy.

[ He's more wary of when she'll have time to process those details. Everyone these days thinks that's the magic cure -- tell your filthy secrets, and poof. They are gone. Only they aren't. Instead they seep into the person you've told them to, and they're there when this person looks at you, and when they talk to you about anything at all, they're always floating closeby, under the words, between them, behind them. He doesn't want that with him and Korra. It's not as if they don't already have enough issues. ]

[ At her statement, so plain, yet so abysmally innocent, he almost smiles. But his look is empty. ]

I've left 'happy' -- in the rock-solid sense -- behind a long time ago. [ His eyes slip shut; he leans back against the wall, all the rage and animation dissipating. ] But if you have rules of your own, let's hear them.

[ It's inflected like an aspersion. But it's clear enough he's serious. ]

[She crosses her arms (more to support herself than an expression of anger). Once again, he's completely missing the point.]

My rules haven't changed. [She hesitates. Everything feels so fragile and uncertain and she feels like whatever she says is going to be The Wrong Thing. But she has to say it anyway.]

I'm just saying, you can't accuse me of using you when I'm just doing what you want me to do. It's not fair.

If you want something to change, you have to tell me. [Call it a rule if you want, but it seems like common sense to her.]

No, it's not fair.

[ The harsh edge is gone from his voice. Instead, he's earnest, clear-eyed, seeking to understand what is slipping between them. It may seem like common sense to her. But again; she hasn't lived the life he has. She hasn't subsisted on lies, evasions and silence. His eyes are locked on Korra's face, his shoulders lax, but the fact he chooses to speak at all is deliberate. It's not because he wants to manipulate or push -- it's because he wants to fix things, have a conversation the way normal people do, instead of mapping the trajectory of each statement, formulating the best reply for whatever he's secretly after. ]

[ A beat, before he hauls himself to his feet. Crossing over to the bars, he leans his forehead against them. Reaches a hand out, fingers starfishing, as if coaxing her to come closer. ]

There's ... a lot I can't talk to you about. It's not because I like pushing you away. But if you weren't there, you couldn't understand. [ The cadence of his voice softens. ] But you're right. It doesn't change anything. We're too much alike, sometimes. If things get bad, we just shut down and any type of responsibility gets to be this huge ball and chain. [ A pause, then two, before he continues reasonably, his gaze dipped. ] Still, I'd like you try and talk to me. I'd like to try the same with you. If you can stand it.

[A breath, and she takes his hand, letting him pull her in.]

It's better than your silence. [She looks down and rubs her thumb against his knuckles. Breathing deeply, she tries to figure out what to say. It's easy to say they should talk; hard to actually find the words.]

I'm not trying to keep you a secret. [She's not entirely sure that's true. She doesn't want Chekov to know, considering what happened last time he got involved in their relationship, and she doesn't want Mako to know because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings any more than she already has. But that's not because of Hei; it's not because she's ashamed.] I'm just....trying to be careful. I'm tired of hurting everyone I care about.

[ It feels both good and dangerous, just bringing it right out there. Wrapping his hand around hers, Hei squeezes. He wishes he could hug her, but the bars are in the way. Of course, they're one of the simplest, most superficial barriers that exist between them. It'd be funny if it weren't so fucking awful. Drawing her closer, he brushes his lips against the inside of her wrist, the base of her palm. ]

You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. [ If she doesn't want to tell her friends about him, she has her reasons. She doesn't have to justify herself to him. Not when the logic behind her decision is clear enough. A beat, before he releases a breath he doesn't know he's holding. There are so many things he knows -- that she needs time for this to sink in, that being open and expressive isn't something that clicks over in a heartbeat, not for people like them -- but still, there's some small, genuine part of him that feels like this is a tiny first step among many. It's a start, isn't it? ]

I'm used to keeping the people I care about a secret. Because I don't want to hurt them. [ His gaze skims over her face, before dipping to study her hand. ] But if it's a tactic that makes us both frustrated, it's pointless. [ A beat, before he lets a little smile flit across his lips. ] Anyway, I don't stand a chance of hiding you from anyone. [ This is Korra. Not some squalid secret he can stow away. She seems made to shine. ]

[She doesn't feel relieved, but she does feel.... hopeful? Because there's a plan. She isn't any good at making them, but she still feels better when there's one in place.]

Thanks? [Not sure if that's a compliment or a tease, but it comes with a smile, which is good enough for her.]

[ She smiles, and Hei wants to lean in close, to kiss the round glossy cheek above the upturned lip. But it isn't something he can do. Instead he presses a hand a moment more, before letting it drop. Says, with a mildness that belies the reaction he knows he's going to get. ]

After I get out, it's not the surprise visit that's important. [ A beat, then he clarifies, ] You're coming to the library with me.

[.........................................and now she's just confused.]

The library?

[ He figured she'd be. ]

That's right. [ He drums his fingers against the bars, a series of thoughtful plinks. ] I won't make you read anything. But the library's ... possessed. [ He almost chokes on the word. Enchanted. Magical. He hates those terms, and the way they stonewall logic in any form. The rational explanations are there. You just have to find them. Dismissing everything as supernatural is simply consigning yourself to willful ignorance. ] It offers people books, according to what they need. [ Which still doesn't explain why it flings tomes of the embarrassingly self-help persuasion at him. None have quite the title he's comfortable with discussing. Killer's Ten Step Conscience Cure. Loving, Lying & Letting Go. Your Life After Death & Betrayal. Ad nauseum. ] You're the Avatar. I have no idea what the hell that is. Those books might give me an insight.

[ So I can help you. That, he doesn't say. ]

[She remembered Jinora talking about that. But Jinora had never mentioned anything about books about the Avatar in it....]

Do you really think it'd have books about the Avatar?

It has books on toe fungus. Why not this?

[ Whatever force controls the City -- it has a hand in influencing the library too. Past, present, future. Multiple dimensions. Alternate realities. Like an all-seeing Argus, it possesses knowledge of every little detail. Usually, Hei finds it unnerving. But in this instance, it should prove useful. ]

[She feels queasy -- hope? fear? both? She can hardly believe that the library could hold any answers for her. But there's always a chance, isn't there? After all, she's had visions of Aang since losing her bending. Except she hasn't had them in months. Maybe --

ARGH. This is too much to think about. Everything Hei said about his past, everything she's been trying to forget about her own, the possibilities in the library... Her head is spinning.]

Okay.

[ If Hei could read her mind, he'd advise her to keep her expectations realistic. After all, the City loves its mindfuckery. But he can tell how invested she already seems. It fills him with a detached sort of sadness, sometimes -- the idea of this talented girl hingeing her whole identity onto one little word. But if he can be of some use to her, it's enough. After a long beat of silence (he doesn't blink, doesn't look away), his mouth quirks, a little too crooked to be a proper smile. ]

[ For Korra, affection might be simple and clear-cut -- you watch out for those you value, you keep them close, you say what's on your mind. For Hei, things have never been that way. You know you value something when you know how to leave it, even though it hurts more than words can say. But you also know you value something, when you're willing to whatever it takes to make them stronger. ]

[ He repeats it quietly, not an affirmation but a flat statement of intent. ]

Okay.

[She bounces a little on the balls of her feet, already filled with a restless energy and a need to be alone. She wants to kiss him, but the bars make that hard.]

So. You're out the 13th? [What is today's date? She never pays attention. It's never really been necessary. She'll have to find out.]

Hm. Just one week to go.

[ He's both endeared and bemused by her eagerness. She doesn't need to talk to telegraph her thoughts, he thinks. Her excitement is evident. Every word is always spelled out so eloquently in Korra's body-language. Her shoulders, the restless movements of her hands, her propelling feet, the way her neck snakes and her energy fluctuates, a graceful-clumsy, girl-woman pantomime. Even her expressions are endlessly animated: pouts, eyerolls, smiles, scowls and wrinkles of nose. She's an open book, an illustrated story, without saying a word. ]

[ Reaching out through the bars, he snatches her hand. Presses a light kiss to her knuckles, before letting go. ]

Try to stay out of trouble, until then. [ Oh. Wait. This is Korra he's talking about. ] Or at least out of jail.

Like you're one to talk. [A dizzy smile and an awkward pause before--] I'll see you later.

[She's practically bouncing out of the prison.]

[ She exits, and the familiar dead stillness settles over the cell again. ]

[ Slumping back into the bunk, Hei scrubs both hands through his hair. Questions flit through his mind. Not Are you sure there'll be the right books at the library? but Are you sure you'll be able to help her? Because that's what it comes down to. If half her identity is swallowed up in being the Avatar, doesn't he insult her by brushing it aside? By being so arrogantly secure in himself when she can barely make heads or tails of her own self? If there's nothing ahead and behind but bleak and more bleak, isn't it better to lighten one more burden of expectation she has to carry? ]

[ Hei isn't sure. He only knows he wants to help, and that once he's invested in doing so, there's nothing that can shake him loose. ]

[ It's enough. For now, it'll have to be. ]

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