mortemscintilla | IC Contact

You wouldn't! [She's teased him about not coming to the Beach House, but that doesn't mean she actually WANTS him to! No way is she going to have sex with him while Mako's asleep upstairs and could wake up at any moment by her admittedly unquiet self.]

I would.

[ It's lighthearted banter, yet not. The idea has an intensely ticklish appeal. Hei knows both Korra and Mako's hours. He knows that perfect window of opportunity -- the time-gap when she gets home before Mako does. Whether he'll go through with the idea or not, he doesn't say. Let her try to figure it out. He'll know his own mood and intent when he's released a week from now. The fingers of his left hand uncurl around the crossbar. He lifts them to skim across Korra's jaw, cradling it. He can see the blue facets of her eyes, the two little dots of reflected light in their whites. She smells like food and autumn breeze and agitation. ]

You'd turn me out if I showed up? [ A twitch of a smile. ] If so, you're a worse host than I am.

[She scowls at him, even though she's enjoying the feel of his hand.]

I would. [Of course it's just light-hearted banter to him; he doesn't live with Mako, or have any reason to care about his feelings. But Korra does. Forget the embarrassment of being caught; the idea of how hurt he'd feel is enough to make her nauseous. His confusion and sadness when she told him she didn't love him anymore had been hard enough to bear. (She remembers how hurt Bolin had been when he caught them, and that had only been a kiss and his feelings only a crush)]

[ Once again, he's misstepped. ]

[ Exhaling, Hei leans in, so his forehead rests against the cool bars, his gaze tangled with Korra's. He doesn't take his hand away. Her skin is all warm and peachy against his palm. He strokes a thumb along her cheekbone like she's a kitten to be gentled. The smell of rusty metal fills his nose with every breath. But beneath that, there's that lighter, sweeter aroma of Korra. It takes him a moment to realize she's less uncomfortable with the idea of his presence on principle, more with the idea of Mako catching her. He almost wants to roll his eyes. Typical teenage melodrama. Instead there's a dull bite, not of jealousy but chilly resentment. She doesn't even have feelings for Mako anymore. But she still shows him far more discretionary regard than she'd ever show Hei. ]

[ His voice is flat but it's a concession. ] Fine. [ He drops his hand, and his gaze. ] There's always closets and back-alleys.

Edited 2013-09-07 07:49 (UTC)

[Her frown lingers. She's getting the distinct impression that she did something wrong, but she doesn't understand what. He's not jealous. Is he disappointed that she took a joke too seriously? How's she supposed to tell?

You didn't do anything wrong. She repeats that thought to herself, bolstering her resolve. She has a responsibility to the people she cares about, and the fact that she's no longer in love with Mako doesn't remove him from that category. She owes him some consideration.

(If she knew what Hei was thinking, she'd probably punch him to cover up the hurt that he thinks so little of her. Luckily, she doesn't.)]

I guess.

[Instead, she slips her hand through the bar to reach for his, a silent question: What did I do wrong?]

[ Hei doesn't reach for her hand. He's shuttered himself off again -- it's evident in his opaque gaze and the thin line of his mouth. Instead he rocks back on his heels. Goes right over, head over heels back in a tight somersault that lands him with a neat plop on the bunk. The thin mattress creaks as he settles crosslegged. A cockroach skitters out and runs in crazy circles across the walls. He ignores it. ]

[ Instead he regards Korra for a moment. Her questioning look is all too apparent. He wants to weave some pretty lie to allay it. Maybe brush it aside with a smile. But if he's one thoughtless jackass, Korra is certainly another, sometimes. He isn't sure why he's resentful. But his cells seem to quiver, his mind boils, and he can feel the anger building. He doesn't want much from Korra, it's true. He desires her, deeply and unswervingly. Anticipates the next time he'll have her, even as he's never sure what his intentions towards her are. When he tries to parse out the feelings that don't involve lust at all, he just gets confused. Lust is inextricable. ]

[ Still, it annoys him that she can compartmentalize him, the way he used to do with her, before he'd resolved to stop. Where he's no longer willing to treat her like a whore, Korra seems all too comfortable with the idea of boxing him away like one. A fuck, a good time, a couple of hours wasted. That's it. Once back amongst her friends and her routine, she reverts to her practiced attitudes. It's embittering, yet he's not really surprised. She is acting no differently than she has all along. What's happened to Hei, on the other hand -- that is the anomaly. He'd been afraid of this, even before he'd dumped her at that diner. ]

[ She wants him as a distraction, a dirty secret, and that is all. How well Hei treats her isn't going to make any difference to that. ]

Pencil it into your schedule, then.

[ An idle remark. He's not even looking at her anymore. ]

[She crosses her arms, and the scowl becomes a full-out glower. For such a violent, temperamental person, he can also be a ridiculously passive aggressive asshole. Normally his inexplicable tantrums make her nervous, but with those thick steel bars between them, all she feels is angry.]

If you're pissed about something, come out and say it.

[ Those steel bars wouldn't mean much if he unleashed his ability. The only thing containing Hei is the steadiness of his own resolve. He stares at her for a moment, face immobile. Then his features sharpen by slow degrees into a glower of his own. For a moment he wonders if she's even here. Maybe this isn't Korra at all, but one of those intense, nonsensical hallucinations he sometimes has before bed. The ones that start out as flickers. But the longer he spends in the dark, the wilder they become. Blinding, multicoloured firework shows, and spectacular green glowing hot-cross buns. He knows what it is -- in the absence of any real stimulus, his visual cortex begins to make up images. Prison cinema. ]

[ But no. She's real enough. And not budging, by the looks of it. ]

Leave it alone, Korra.

[ It's a dismissal, not a warning. ]

No. Not until you tell me what you're so freaking upset about.

[She can't apologize if she doesn't know what she's apologizing for. She can't make something right until she knows what she did wrong.]

[ Hei nearly starts to say It doesn't matter. But then he wonders: Who's feelings is he sparing? Hers? Fuck that. She'd have to see him as a human being to manifest those for him. His expression might be schooled into a mild calmness that's neither here nor there, but his knuckles are white as he interlaces his hands in his lap. Very quiet and scathing, he asks, ]

What exactly do you see, when you look at me, Korra?

[ If it's an interrogation, he makes it sound more like a Pop Quiz Of Nonsequiturs. ]

Huh?

[Well THAT question came out of nowhere. What's that even supposed to mean? She sees him. What else would she see?]

[ At her expression, Hei mutters something indecipherable under his breath. It'd be easier to just pull back and put up those blade-studded walls and spare Korra from having to deal with him while he's like this but. He swallows another Forget it. It's too late anyway. He's already dripping venom like a runny nose. ]

I want a word. An adjective. What would you use? Horrible. Bloodthirsty. Unreliable. Several words? Lying scumbag. Not To Be Trusted. Keep Away From Family and Friends. [ He looks on the verge of spitting, his mouth pulled out of shape, eyes like two licks of ice. It's tempting to throw other things at her, things edged like shuriken, meant to slice apart. But he's in one of those moods where all the barbs and acid would fly off the handle, splattering and cutting anything in reach. ]

[ Instead, simply, ]

When you see me, do you see a person at all?

[The words he's thrown slice her enough, because she has no idea where they're coming from. She can't imagine what she might have said or done to make him believe that she'd think any of those things. Does he honestly think she'd sleep with him, cry on him, share some of her darkest and most painful moments with him, if she thought of him like that?]

Of course I do. How could you even ask that?

How? I don't know.

[ Except the words are ice-tipped, full of disdain. He hates how she's looking at him, out of that young-old face, that lovely blue-eyed face. Just looking at him, the way his silent victims sometimes stand around and look at him in his dreams. She'd have been one of the horde, if he'd, as Amber used to say, Had his druthers. When he glances up at her, it's with a stilted kind of mildness that doesn't reach his eyes. The spike of rage, meanwhile, settles into a steady hum underneath his bones -- it's not increasing but it's not decreasing either. ]

Sometimes, [ he says, and it's almost thoughtful -- a quiet voice and a dull gaze. ] I think you keep everything wholesome about you for another place and circumstance. For another person. Or people.[ He bites his lower-lip, the teeth glinting like a knife half-sheathed in his mouth. He's unsheathed and used it before, slashing at her identity, telling her she isn't the Avatar here, tearing into the weakness of love, of life, of everything she represents. ] I get the remainder. I get the slime and the fucking.

[ There's a long pause. Almost honest, but with a bitterness lacing each word, he adds, ]

I wouldn't mind, normally. Or care. But I made this idiotic promise to myself not to do that with you. Not anymore.

[ The What a stupid idea that was is unspoken, but palpable. ]

[She can feel his words grab onto her heart and twist, not so much shredding it to pieces as completely pulverizing it. It hurts so much, she can hardly breathe, much less come up with a rejoinder with any hope of hurting him as badly.]

Guess now I know what you really think of me.

[She turns away, not so he won't see her cry but because she's leaving. She's not going to bother trying to defend herself to him, just to give him the chance to get a few more emotional blows in. If he can honestly say that after everything they've been through together, she doesn't want anything to do with him.]

[ She turns away, and Hei bristles, his hands balling into fists. Even through the haze of rage that makes his vision go dim and red and makes everything boil at the edges, he can see the hurt in her face. It doesn't afford him an ounce of satisfaction. He didn't launch into that awful invective to bruise her. He did it to try and understand what the hell she actually thinks of him. If she thinks of him at all. A detached part of him whispers that even as he's airing these secrets, locked away for so long they've festered, he's still being his usual manipulative self. In the pretense of laying himself bare -- Was it really pretense? Is there nothing honest and true about me? -- it's her defenses he's stripped. Her psyche he's getting a glimpse into. ]

[ Manipulation or not, the discovery threatens to break through his now pointless veneer of calmness, and he brings his hands together to stop them from trembling. He can't quite do the same with his voice, though. ]

That's not what I think of you. [ In a different voice, almost a whisper. ] But you don't give me a chance to see it differently. It's always fighting or fucking. I feel like something you work yourself off on. Because I don't break like the other toys would. Because that's all I'll be good for. [ He looks away from Korra, but there's no hiding it now and he wishes they could just go back and that he could've just not said all those things. But there's no way to do that. ]

[You don't give me a chance to see it differently. The mind-boggling unfairness of that remark drags her back to his cell.]

I don't give you a chance? I have given you nothing BUT chances! You're the one who pretends he doesn't know me in public. You're the one who doesn't talk about his life! You completely freak out at me when I try! I'm just trying to follow your stupid rules.

[Coming to where she works and not even saying hi to her. Getting weird when she gave him that one little kiss in public. Not even mentioning that he had a sister until she stumbled upon him and Xing's giant pile of clothes. Not talking to her for a month after she got out of the hospital. Always getting her gifts that seem to be more about his interests than hers. He thinks he's a dirty secret? She's pretty sure that she's just his favorite sex doll.]

[ Red dots flash in Hei's line of sight. Part of him admits everything she's angry about is valid. But his reasons aren't as simple or clear-cut as Korra thinks. Her life hasn't always been peaches and cream. But navigating this affair is still easier for her. She has no past gnawing at her with fangs of loss and bitterness. She doesn't know what it's like to lose every single person who meant anything to her. Not once, but twice. How surreal it'd be, to share that knowledge with someone like her. Looking into those eyes that know nothing about him -- not the iceberg, only the tip that glitters coldly in the sun. Nothing that she ought to know about him, must know, will know soon. That he's cursed. That he's a walking disaster of the head vs the heart. ]

[ Maybe it’s for the best, he thinks bitterly. This is your way out, your reason. You always knew you couldn't last with her. Now you've given her the proof to walk away. Just tell her to fuck off and you'll both be free. ]

[ He nearly opens his mouth to say it. But another voice, cold yet lilting like Amber's, says, Good. Keep living that way, you coward. Don't ever change your tactics. It'll all work just fine for you ... right up until the day you die from it. ]

[ Flat words form on the lips he can't feel, out of breath he can't spare. ]

What else would you do, if you live in a world where everyone important to you dies -- just because they're connected to you? Not once, but over and over. Even if, somehow, you escaped to a different environment -- would it be easy for you, to flaunt the latest person you care about in public? Would you talk about your life -- when it's been nothing but bloodshed and secrets? Would you be comfortable if someone kept prodding for details, as if sharing them could fix you?

[ An exhale, almost amused, but darker. His gaze is calm; some things stay the same. Hei can't shed tears over things that are in the past. But he can never forget them, either. ]

Back home, almost everyone who mattered to me is gone. My sister. My lover. My teammates. [ All he has left is Yin. But sometimes, watching her, he fights a chilly premonition that she'll be taken hostage by something he can never combat. ] If I make stupid rules for you, it's not because I don't care. But I'm sick of being screwed over and left behind, the moment I let my guard down.

[It's a lot to take in. He's never revealed this much before, and she's struggling to keep up. It's too fast, she doesn't have time to process the details. She's left with only an impression of pain, greater than she could possibly imagine. It humbles her.

There's no anger left in her voice, only gentle matter-of-fact.]

You can't blame me for following your rules. It's not my fault if they're not making you happy.

[ He's more wary of when she'll have time to process those details. Everyone these days thinks that's the magic cure -- tell your filthy secrets, and poof. They are gone. Only they aren't. Instead they seep into the person you've told them to, and they're there when this person looks at you, and when they talk to you about anything at all, they're always floating closeby, under the words, between them, behind them. He doesn't want that with him and Korra. It's not as if they don't already have enough issues. ]

[ At her statement, so plain, yet so abysmally innocent, he almost smiles. But his look is empty. ]

I've left 'happy' -- in the rock-solid sense -- behind a long time ago. [ His eyes slip shut; he leans back against the wall, all the rage and animation dissipating. ] But if you have rules of your own, let's hear them.

[ It's inflected like an aspersion. But it's clear enough he's serious. ]

[She crosses her arms (more to support herself than an expression of anger). Once again, he's completely missing the point.]

My rules haven't changed. [She hesitates. Everything feels so fragile and uncertain and she feels like whatever she says is going to be The Wrong Thing. But she has to say it anyway.]

I'm just saying, you can't accuse me of using you when I'm just doing what you want me to do. It's not fair.

If you want something to change, you have to tell me. [Call it a rule if you want, but it seems like common sense to her.]

No, it's not fair.

[ The harsh edge is gone from his voice. Instead, he's earnest, clear-eyed, seeking to understand what is slipping between them. It may seem like common sense to her. But again; she hasn't lived the life he has. She hasn't subsisted on lies, evasions and silence. His eyes are locked on Korra's face, his shoulders lax, but the fact he chooses to speak at all is deliberate. It's not because he wants to manipulate or push -- it's because he wants to fix things, have a conversation the way normal people do, instead of mapping the trajectory of each statement, formulating the best reply for whatever he's secretly after. ]

[ A beat, before he hauls himself to his feet. Crossing over to the bars, he leans his forehead against them. Reaches a hand out, fingers starfishing, as if coaxing her to come closer. ]

There's ... a lot I can't talk to you about. It's not because I like pushing you away. But if you weren't there, you couldn't understand. [ The cadence of his voice softens. ] But you're right. It doesn't change anything. We're too much alike, sometimes. If things get bad, we just shut down and any type of responsibility gets to be this huge ball and chain. [ A pause, then two, before he continues reasonably, his gaze dipped. ] Still, I'd like you try and talk to me. I'd like to try the same with you. If you can stand it.

[A breath, and she takes his hand, letting him pull her in.]

It's better than your silence. [She looks down and rubs her thumb against his knuckles. Breathing deeply, she tries to figure out what to say. It's easy to say they should talk; hard to actually find the words.]

I'm not trying to keep you a secret. [She's not entirely sure that's true. She doesn't want Chekov to know, considering what happened last time he got involved in their relationship, and she doesn't want Mako to know because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings any more than she already has. But that's not because of Hei; it's not because she's ashamed.] I'm just....trying to be careful. I'm tired of hurting everyone I care about.

[ It feels both good and dangerous, just bringing it right out there. Wrapping his hand around hers, Hei squeezes. He wishes he could hug her, but the bars are in the way. Of course, they're one of the simplest, most superficial barriers that exist between them. It'd be funny if it weren't so fucking awful. Drawing her closer, he brushes his lips against the inside of her wrist, the base of her palm. ]

You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. [ If she doesn't want to tell her friends about him, she has her reasons. She doesn't have to justify herself to him. Not when the logic behind her decision is clear enough. A beat, before he releases a breath he doesn't know he's holding. There are so many things he knows -- that she needs time for this to sink in, that being open and expressive isn't something that clicks over in a heartbeat, not for people like them -- but still, there's some small, genuine part of him that feels like this is a tiny first step among many. It's a start, isn't it? ]

I'm used to keeping the people I care about a secret. Because I don't want to hurt them. [ His gaze skims over her face, before dipping to study her hand. ] But if it's a tactic that makes us both frustrated, it's pointless. [ A beat, before he lets a little smile flit across his lips. ] Anyway, I don't stand a chance of hiding you from anyone. [ This is Korra. Not some squalid secret he can stow away. She seems made to shine. ]

[She doesn't feel relieved, but she does feel.... hopeful? Because there's a plan. She isn't any good at making them, but she still feels better when there's one in place.]

Thanks? [Not sure if that's a compliment or a tease, but it comes with a smile, which is good enough for her.]

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