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[People exist to damage each other. That's not something she can disagree with right now. Or at least she exists to damage other people. That's pretty much all she's done since leaving the South Pole. All the fights she's been in, all the hurtful things she's said in fits of temper, all the times she's used her bending to hurt someone else, someone vulnerable. That Equalist in the park. The injured Li.

Chekov is just the the latest and most horrific victim of what she now sees as a lifetime of violence. There's a twisted, queasy feeling in her gut before the numbness mercifully returns. She looks away.]

You're an idiot.

[ He can track the racemose pattern of her thoughts as they take a darker dip. Not specifics, but a general scope, similar to how a shark scents a drop of blood. Of regret, of not living up to your own expectations, of doing more harm than good -- feelings that Hei hasn't allowed himself to experience for a long time. But he knows them well enough to recognize self-recrimination when he sees it. ]

[ You're an idiot. He raises his eyebrows. All right. That was unexpected. Except ...not. He knows Korra must be angry -- angry at his repeated retreats and maddening flip-flopping; angry about how he keeps pushing her away, only to seek her out again. Not only are his feelings half-baked, they aren't even consistent. He is the goddamn King of Inconsistency. He's never assumed she'd accept his explanation without a flinch. (A part of him is prepared to manipulate and lie in order to drag her into his arms, willingly or not. But the other part wants it to be her choice.) ]

[ Eventually, ] You should write for Hallmark. [ Except she wouldn't know what that is. ] I'm just laying the facts out for you. [ Such as they are. Waves of omissions and half-truths. ]

[The inconsistency isn't why she called him an idiot. It's him thinking she doesn't exist to damage people. Chekov is dying in a hospital bed only a few floors below them because of her. How much more damaging could she be?]

So what changed?

[She doesn't know why she's continuing this conversation when it would be so much easier to just sink back into the cold and let the numbness have her. The little spark inside her simply refuses to die and let her feel nothing.]

[ As destructive as anyone under the influence of a curse can be. Perhaps he'll tell her so, once he's got a finger on the pulse of her true misery. Korra can be snappish, disobedient, pugnacious. But she is an inherently good, conscientious girl. You don't need to be an expert on human psyche to tell. He's seen plenty of things happen to her in the City that would make her chilly up top. But she's never lost herself to that bleakness. She's simply clogged up with anxieties, surrounded by filth, so she thinks she's the filth. ]

[ Some monsters only emerge in flashes -- because that's all they are. Flashes. Everyone has them, but most of their darkness is quantifiable. Other monsters don't even need an excuse to spawn fully-grown and ravenous. Hei would know. He is what his profession has created. A multifaced Frankenstein monster. A hydra. ]

[ At her question, something shutters across his face. Expression unfocused, eyes dull, as if his thoughts are white-noise. But a beat later the look resettles into cool neutrality. He'd like to say he has no answer that comes from the heart and not the head. He's also likely to say that it's never been otherwise. Except, like most words that pass through his lips, that's a lie. He had relied upon his heart, once upon a time, a sweet, protective boy on the banks of a lake, watching Pai point gleefully at the constellations). ]

[ He's already established Korra isn't a replacement for Pai. But being near her gives him a sensation of fitting that is so rare in his disjointed life. It was good with her, that was the thing. Warm and sweet if not emotionally barbed. It wasn't what he'd had (almost had?) with Amber. But he knows, after five years of emotional turmoil and desensitization, that he's not going to have that ever again and he'd prefer to spend as little time as possible flagellating himself over it. ]

[ Going back to Korra -- wanting to restart something with her -- is selfish, true. If he cared for her more, he'd value her safety well enough to leave her alone. He can try to justify his actions. Convince himself that he's better off keeping her close than cutting her loose. That he's taking control of a volatile situation -- as he's been trained to do. Except that's only half-true. Everyone has their stupid moments -- rationalizations, even blindness, born of weakness and human need. That's what this is, in a nutshell. ] Nothing 'changed'. [ He feels like he's holding a live grenade, feeling it ticking. Dryly, ] Except, as established, I'm an idiot. An idiot who didn't know when he was well off.

[The wind picks up and she shivers, tugging the nurse's shirt more tightly around her in a vain attempt to keep out the chill. She doesn't know how to react. The little flame inside cracks and pops, sending out sparks of hope and fear and flattered vanity and traitorous happiness, sparks which die when they hit their icy cage of guilt & grief, leaving scorch marks. She's afraid of what will happen if she lets them out. It's safer behind her walls.

Her head buried in her arms, she doesn't look at him straight on, but peeks from the corner of her eye, something almost sympathetic in her gaze. She understands now, in a way she couldn't have before, why he would shut himself away.]

[ The lined shadows under Hei's eyes, an insomniac's bags, are permanent, too etched in to be totally erased. They deepen a little now as his expression shifts to watchfulness, studying her carefully. He doesn't particularly like the way she's looking at him. As if a bearing has slid into place in her mind -- not the full combination of understanding, but the first few digits. ]

[ He fights the irritation off. He can twig into where that look stems from, much in the same way he's been where Korra is, too many times to recall. He knows what it is to doubt and second-guess your own worth as someone human and decent. Knows what it is to look in the mirror and radiate waves of mistrust for yourself and everyone around you. It's hellish and awful but he's accepted it as part and parcel of his matrix. ]

[ Likewise, he's never been a bleeding heart for anyone who has terrible things on their conscience. Not beyond a token nod of recognition. But it is a shame to think of Korra carrying all this in her still-unequipped mind. It's one thing when you're callused by warfare to attack your own comrade. The fallout isn't pretty, but at least it goes with the field. This has a distinctly crueler pitch. But that's life, in the City, or outside. The world is far from perfect. ]

[ Reaching out, he touches her head, fingers loose in the dark strands. It's not a caress so much as a steadying contact. ] What happened to Pavel -- It wasn't your fault. I hope you realize that. [ Quiet. Matter-of-fact. ] There's a curse making people attack each other. You should see the bloodbaths Underground.

[The mention of Chekov is blindingly painful; she brushes off his hand like he's stuck his fingers in an open wound.]

I don't wanna talk about it.

[It's still too close for her to think about clearly. The curse wove its way into the fight they'd been having too neatly for her to be able to distinguish it from her normal behavior.]

[ Not quite time yet. ]

[ He doesn't press the issue further. It's excusable that Hei doesn't find this as tragic as it is, or extraordinary, because you don't grow up the way he has and not start to take for granted that such trauma is real, and the unspeakable is commonplace. But he also knows that it can be overcome. Even if there are no limits to the extent of what you've suffered, or just how wrecked you are afterward. Scarred, battered -- you can still keep swinging. ]

[ Even when you wish you could sink down and expire. ]

[ He won't tell Korra that. Safecracking is easier for him than reassurance. She's not yet ready to hear it, anyway. But he's a expert at (almost) everything else in his life; failure in this arena is not an option. Carefully, he crouches beside her. His right hand -- cool-warm, weathered -- takes her palm in his, squeezing lightly. Not entirely to comfort, but to see whether he is still to have this intimacy, to touch her anywhere. If she pulls away, he'll accept it for what it probably is, unconsciously. ]

[ A rejection of him, and of everything he represents. ]

[If he had pushed the issue, she would have pulled away, perhaps even gone so far as to leave the roof. But in his silence, the pain fades back into a dull ache. (It's one of the things she unconsciously likes about him, how he knows when to push and when to leave something be. If Chekov had just backed off when she told him to... No. This isn't Chekov's fault. He's the one dying in hospital bed. She can't blame him.)

When Li crouches beside her, she finds herself instinctively leaning towards him. She doesn't want to thaw out, would rather remain frozen, but her cold body can't pull away from his warmth. Much like that first time in the shed.

She lets him take her hand, even though it burns. He squeezes her palm and she instinctively squeezes back, drawing out a comfort she doesn't deserve but desperately craves.]

[ For a split-second, in Korra's deflated look, Hei sees the little girl he scolded in the Underground, all the wind taken out of her sails, all unaware of her future. For a moment he half-misses when she was that child. She was easy to handle then. As long as you offered food, piggybacks and smiles you could never be in the wrong with children. ]

[ In the next beat he brushes the idle thought off. Centers himself on the Now. Both his hands take hers in his, cupping around it so he can breathe quiet exhales. Not a particularly effective way of warming, but it is contact for contact's sake. He doesn't throw darts at a board in these moments. He maps every move out. The tenderness(?) isn't impulsive, much less accidental. He's testing the waters, seeing how far he can take this. ]

[ Once a vulture, always a vulture. He shakes it off. It would be easy to beastalize this as a ploy to take advantage of a vulnerable girl. And while it's true that it's on his mind, it's also true that he'd prefer to comfort her somehow, not add to her unhappiness. It's a want, soft-edged, not a cold and calculating need born out of pure self-benefit. ]

[ Rubbing a thumb over her knuckles, he says, ] Come off the roof. You'll catch a cold hanging out here.

[There's an instinct to resist -- what if something changes with Chekov? How will she know? At the same time, she lacks the energy to put up a struggle. And there is perhaps a part of her that wants to leave, to be warm and distracted rather than cold and wallowing.]

I can't go back there.

[Not now. Not yet. She'll go wherever he takes her, as long as it's not the beach house. Selfish as it is, she's not ready to face the horror of her friends or the blood in the sand.]

Edited 2013-03-15 05:51 (UTC)

[ Can't go back there. He realizes off the bat that she doesn't mean back inside the hospital's warmer interior. She means back home. Her voice is so soft; he feels what a hideous effort this whole night is for her, even as she pretends she isn't swimming around in misery, like Alice in her own tears. That she wants to take shelter in all sorts of unwise yet expeditious places (with all sorts of shady people) isn't astonishing. ]

[ It's not selfish. It's just another coping mechanism among the thousand. ]

[ Hei stays crouched near her, hands curled around her smaller ones. A beat passes and the look on his face slips to something contemplative; his eyes are in shadow, but his gaze stays steady on hers. He could take her to a cafe or a restaurant. Get her fed and warmed up. Or take her wandering through the City, so she'd get her mind off what she's going to do next, try to still her anxiety about the indeterminate future -- which will start in the morning and stretch on indefinitely, miserable and stressful and confusing. Or... ]

[ Or he can take her back to his flat. ]

[ Hei runs his tongue over his teeth, then stands, still holding her hands in his. He tugs at her to rise -- firm, but also coaxing. ] You don't have to. [ Another tug, ] Get up now. [ Whatever turn this night takes, he's determined to put Korra first, to try to turf out the words I and me. He's been thinking of them too much. He hopes to let them gather dust awhile. ]

[She lets him pull her up without struggle or complaint, and he'll quickly see that taking her out in public for long isn't an option. Her scrunched up pose had hidden the fact that she's still covered in Chekov's blood; it's smeared across her jeans and soaking through her borrowed shirt. She looks like someone who just came out of a horror movie...or who's still in the middle of one.]

[ It's the night shift. In the City. He doubts there's anyone left who isn't inured to the sight of a girl in bloodstained clothes. But there's also Korra's own comfort level to take into account. (That's what most choices come down to, don't they? Not logic but personal comfort.) If she'd feel better indoors, than to his flat they'll go. ]

[ In the circumstances, her lack of struggle isn't as disquieting as it should be (Except it is. Because this is Korra.) He tucks her hand with his into his coat pocket, and realizes that in the short time he's known her, this has already become a habitual gesture. He's quiet with her in the elevator down to the main lobby. (Funny; he's never stood in an elevator with her before, much less in a hospital.) When another couple gets on two floors down, at the maternity ward, Hei flashes one of 'Li's fake elevator smiles. The doors open on the false pink and peach serenity of the main floor. As if Monet prints and garish lights can mask the hypocrisy and panic in the air here. ]

[ Only when the swinging glass doors disgorge them into the cold freshness of the open air, does Hei squeeze her hand. ] Let's get you back to my place. [ After a quick detour to pick up coffee. Her fingers feel icy in his. ]

[Korra holds his hand loosely, bumping gently against his arm as they walk to the elevator. She ignores the nervous looks the couple from the maternity ward give her, stares down at her blood-soaked clothing. Dimly regrets putting on her undershirt from home this morning -- she's never going to get the blood out of it.

She inches closer to him when they return to the chilly night air.]

Mmm.

[She'll go wherever. She's not a leaf in the wind so much as a leaf in a river, moving upon someone else's power, drowning and frozen.]

[ A leaf in a river, carried away on the current of circumstances. Hei can accept that passivity. But that doesn't mean he has to pretend he likes it. There's an I don't care what happens to me or anything else anymoreness about her that's too strong an echo of others he's known and lost -- to despair, to dissipation, to death. Fortunately he's not one to succumb to pointless fussing. He's charged himself with keeping an eye on Korra. And he'll carry it through, regardless of her state of mind, or where it leads her. (Which is the reason he'd volunteered to be Pai's bodyguard in the first place.) ]

[ Streetlights glitter off the fine mist of snow. It's quiet enough that he can hear Korra breathe beside him as they wend their way down the sidewalk. A few blocks from his flat, he catches the enticing aroma of espresso. The open-air espresso bar is one of the last places still lit-up on the main street this late on a Friday night. He stops to buy two take-out cups at the window; the Irish coffee lets off a curl of aromatic steam as he pops the lid and slips it into Korra's free hand. ]

Drink up.

[ There's snow stuck in his hair, white against black and the blue of his scarf. He watches a snowflake land on Korra's cheek, there one second then melting away, like a tear sloping down the shape of her face. He wants to touch her. Wants to say something kind. It's all right, maybe. Except nothing is. He knows that perfectly. That's why she's with you at all. ]

[She accepts the coffee cup, ignoring the way it burns her frozen fingers, and takes an obedient sip.

She immediately spits it back out with a yelp of pain. HOT! HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!]

I burneb by bung!

[She gives him a comically betrayed look. That hurt! (Still, the physical pain is a relief from the numbness, and much easier to handle than what's aching inside.)]

[ A smile, sardonic, amused, but soft too, twitches on Hei's lips. He hides it into the curve of his own coffee cup, blowing before he takes a slow sip. At least she's not totally catatonic yet. That's a good sign. ]

I said drink up. Not chug. [ He reaches to touch her face, fingertips cool and light against the cut of her jaw. ] I'll put a teaspoon of cinnamon on it later. [ Or she could chew on a mouthful of snow. But that's always squicked him out on a personal level. Too many pedestrians peeing in the slush etc ]

[Her gaze flicks away as his fingers brush her face, sending a faint sensation running through her. Not strong enough yet to be a feeling.]

How's that gonna help? [She says it slowly, trying to be careful of her tongue. Her voice has sunk back into a monotone, though now it's more sullen than empty.]

[ His hand still at her face, he strokes the line of her jaw with his thumb, keeping his eyes on hers. She'll never know just how carefully he's keeping track of every little detail about her, like a slide under a microscope, mapping out irregularities. Ordinarily, it stems from premeditation and calculation: He acts sweet, pretends to care, but in truth all he's waiting for is an opening to plunge in the knife. ]

[ But that's not the case here. ]

Old wives tale. Honey and cinnamon are supposedly good for a burnt tongue. [ He shrugs, his breath fogging in front of him in an exhale. ] I've never tried it myself. Cough drops work better in my experience. [ Feeling out in his overcoat's pocket, he finds a half-roll of menthol squares and hands her one. ]

Edited 2013-03-16 01:55 (UTC)

[She pops the coughdrop in her mouth with only a moment's hesitation. Makes a face at the taste, but it does help her tongue.]

Thanks.

[Still not meeting his eyes, but something in her breath has changed since he touched her face.]

[ If Hei notices, he doesn't say anything. ]

[ If he wanted to, he could follow this lull through and craft into a moment of deception. He could tell her -- You can trust me. I won't let anything happen to you.. And even if that's as close as BK201 gets to instinct, he knows it's disingenuous. Korra has never pulled any such tricks on him. She's always has been sincere, and Hei's willing to offer her at least a fraction of the same sincerity. ]

[ It's then that he leans in, closes the distance between them. His breath plumes up between their faces, warming her cheeks briefly before the air chills them again, and he carefully touches his mouth to hers. It isn't a kiss: more a butterflied touch of parted lips, like he's trying to share heat and breath. After a moment, the hesitance - except that's not what it is; it's like dipping a finger in water to test the temperature -- he turns it into a kiss, hot and hungry and openmouthed, the press of his palm insistent at the side of her neck. ]

[ Between their mouths and his fingers on her pulsepint, Korra may as well be administering a polygraph. This is honest. This is real. ]

[The kiss doesn't take Korra by surprise; a part of her has seen it coming since he first touched her face. Her heart still skips (a chemical reaction) and she lets the coffee fall (she hadn't cared for it anyway). It splatters on the ground, pelleting her legs with bites of heat easily ignored. She wraps her arms around his waist and presses closer.

She returns his kiss, but it's not passionate so much as it is receptive. Willing, not eager. Her heart is too detached for real desire, but it feels nice and right now she'll take any distraction.]

[ Distantly, Hei registers Korra's coffee sloshing to the floor. Well, whatever. In an economy of motion, he sets his own cup on the empty table adjacent to them. Then his hand spans across her waist, pulling her closer. Fingers of the other hand wrapped around the back of her neck, thumb stroking under her jaw to angle her mouth just so, he kisses her harder, and thinks Stop, you fucking idiot and Oh I missed this. ]

[ The mouth, the body, he's grown used to them, but in that exciting Want More way, not in a bored way. Even after the decision to drop her like a bad habit, all of that is still inside him, messing him around. It feels so good but through that cut of want there's a sharp spike, too, of concern for her. It feels like such an ordinary thing that, later, it'll make him feel pathetic. Human. ]

[ Since when does BK201 care about someone else's feelings, after all? ]

[ His teeth barely scrape along her lower lip as the kiss ends, gently tugging at it before letting go. He feels her willingness, but also her detachment, and it makes him wary despite his selfish lust, like a suffusion of ink in water. ] Tell me something, Korra [ he asks, and it sounds like he's negotiating a business model rather than preparing to invite her to bed. ]

[Korra has missed this too. Any other time she would be frantic, needy, burning, but right now pleasure and want are dim & distant things.

She looks up at him, her eyes cloudy.]

What?

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